it comes to an end

today is Tuesday June 2013

marah, kecewa, sedih semua bercampur jadi satu hari ini....i fall in love and i did my best to make this person attract me but i'm so disappointed when the word appear for the reply text

' ngrtiin gw lah.. gw ga mau d ganggu... soal masalah uang yg saya pinjam nanti d ganti...'

itu puncak kemarahan dia setelah beberapa hari tidak ada kabar dan beberapa kali saya coba hubungi. kaget, bingung dan tidak mengerti kenapa dia begitu emosi dan marah...kenapa?? selalu ada pertanyaan itu dari kepala. dan inilah jawaban yg dia berikan

'maaf. saya bukan teman yg baik buat anda. saya hanya manusia biasa. anda terlalu baik cr teman yg sama2 baik dan anda bisa. saya hanya tidak mau anda sakit hati'

well its too late dear, you just crushed my heart into pieces dengan statement itu. we discuss this million times tapi again, muncul lagi isu ini.. i still remember our first met dan bagaimana dia yg so enthusiast about kehidupan barunya di sini. perfect, menawan, dengan senyum sempurna. my kinda type. hingga pada suatu saat saya masuk kehidupan dia terlalu dalam got into the trouble. semuanya saya jalanin dengan semangat, dan selalu beri motivasi...selalu saja memberi semangat dan menemaninya.

ahh sudahlah, i was falling in love. i adore the person. but i was wrong... i made mistakes. in the end (again) ya sudah lah it happened

Note for myself

sunday, 16 june 2013

at home sembari mendengarkan Rumor -  Butiran debu.

i never felt so much down like this before. tapi sebetulnya memang semua salah aku kok,

i remember last april 21, i met a young fine gentleman in progress. known him from a friend site. and i encourage myself to ask him out for a casual date. and i was impressed, it was sparkle at the first sight. yes....i was in love, i had a crush on him. he introduced himself as Yusak (which turns out to be a cover name hehehe) a sundanese who just arrived in Jogja and tried his luck to work in a hotel. i felt sincerely when i look into his eyes. i have never had a doubt that he would harm me further.....i was in love and i really dont want to loose him the way i lost dek mbem the last time.

but then again, i really dont know how i should process it. all that i have thought is how to propose him. and maybe this is the main reason why i am so hurt. we spent time together, we shared stories and we sticked together. i tried my best to be the best boyfriend...and yes, again i thought i tried too hard to get him. i really love him the way what the world have taught me about. and i really aware that Jesus Christ in Heaven won't say yes to my prayer for him.

until today. i really realized that he is so special that i should never push anything to him. i love him and that is why i have to quit expecting for some more....i dont want to end up chasing status to be his boyfriend.if it should hurt, then let me be the one to feel it.... i dont know what will happen later and how will this so-called-relationship would be but i believe that God brings way for me to learn my lesson. i love you dek.....but if that keep us apart, i am willing to let it go.